Clergy & Professionals

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" rowspan="2" width=226 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <IMG SRC="045bbad0.gif" border=0 width="187" height="173" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <A HREF="id27.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Marriage and Relationship Resources"><U>Back to Marriage Resources</U></A></div> </td> <td valign="top" height=445 colspan=2 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>The Marriage Alliance of Central Virginia</B></div> <div> <I><B>Building Stronger Families Through Stronger Marriages For A Stronger Community.</B></I></div> <div> |     <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Marriage Alliance of Central Virgini"><U>Home</U></A>    |    <A HREF="id20.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="News"><U>News</U></A>   |    <A HREF="id22.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Partners"><U>Partners</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id27.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Marriage and Relationship Resources"><U>Marriage and Relationship Resources</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id28.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact Us"><U>Contact Us</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id46.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Donations"><U>Donate</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <I><B>Clergy & Professionals</B></I></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" >          </FONT><I><B>Training dates for clergy and lay mentors: click </B></I><A HREF="id53.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Marriage Inventories Mentor Training"><U><I><B>here</B></I></U></A><I><B>.</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>          For conferences and training institutes, click </B></I><A HREF="id79.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Conferences and Training Institutes"><U><I><B>here</B></I></U></A><I><B>.</B></I></div> <bR> <div> If you fall into this category - as someone who helps people, especially couples - then you are probably more aware than most people of the depth of the marriage problem.   Despite your best intentions and efforts, you have undoubtedly seen couples that you have worked with end up either divorced or still struggling in an unhappy marriage.  You probably know of many others who desparately need help but will not, or cannot, access it for economic or other reasons.  It's heartbreaking and frustrating.  But there's good news...  couples -- from pre-marrieds to seniors -- can learn to be happily married by practicing the skills that come naturally to stable couples.  </div> <bR> <div> The following will discuss three basic concepts that underlie much of the success of the "Marriage Education Movement" :  <A HREF="#marriage_education" TITLE="Clergy Professionals"><U>Marriage Education</U></A>, <A HREF="#marriage_inventories" TITLE="Clergy Professionals"><U>Marriage Inventories</U></A>, and <A HREF="#marriage_mentoring" TITLE="Clergy Professionals"><U>Marriage Mentoring</U></A></div> <div>  <A NAME="marriage_education"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></div> <div> <I><B>“What's the difference between marriage </B></I><I><B>education</B></I><I><B> and marriage </B></I><I><B>counseling </B></I><I><B>or </B></I><I><B>therapy</B></I><I><B>?”</B></I></div> <div> “Marriage Counseling” and “Marriage and Family Therapy” are specific professional disciplines which are limited to licensed, certified practitioners.  They involve special training in the assessment and treatment of cognitive, affective, or behavioral mental and emotional disorders within the context of marriage and family systems through the application of therapeutic and family systems theories and techniques and delivery of services to individuals, couples, and families, singularly or in groups, for the purpose of treating such disorders.  <B>Marriage and relationship education is NOT counseling or therapy.</B>  </div> <bR> <div> There is certainly a time and place for therapeutic intervention in relieving family distress and to identify and remediate mental, emotional or behavioral disorders and associated distresses which interfere with family functioning.  Unfortunately, many couples wait too long before seeking out such help. Marriage <I>education</I> can be effective as a <I>preventive</I> strategy, helping couples to form and sustain healthy marriages.  The differences between the two approaches are important:</div> <bR> <div> Marriage education is primarily <I>didactic </I>and <I>experiential</I>.  It is a skills-based approach in which basic concepts are explained and taught by the instructor and then practiced by the couples.  The skills may include such things as communication, conflict resolution, and problem solving.  The exercises practiced are practical behaviors that reduce interpersonal tension, emphasize positive interaction, and avoid escalation of issues - things that come naturally to some healthy couples but which most couples need to <I>learn</I>.   Marriage education is less concerned with causative factors from the past and more focused on changing attitudes and behaviors for the future.</div> <bR> <div> Marriage education is typically done in a workshop/seminar-type setting, although it may also be done with one couple, in a mentoring or coaching venue. It is NOT group therapy, and even in a classroom situation, the individual couples are not required to reveal any personal experiences or feelings with the group.  All sharing is done with one's spouse or fiance. This is typically a big relief, especially for men.  Men also appreciate the fact that there is a specified time frame, with specific "deliverables" or "take-aways" that can be used immediately in the home environment. And of course, teaching in groups means reaching more couples in less time.</div> <bR> <div> Again, this is not to say that there isn't a need for marriage counseling or therapy.  The two approaches work together.   It's like physical health:  diet and exercise promote good health and prevent many problems, but some people will still need medical treatment for problems that do develop.   In a similar way, marriage education can prevent a lot of problems and help keep marriages strong, but there will always be a need for specialists to help those couples who are dealing with serious relationship issues.  This is especially true for problems relating to substance abuse and domestic violence.   The research also suggests that marriage education reduces the stigma of receiving help in marital issues, and couples who have had training in relationship skills are <I>more likely to seek help at an earlier stage</I> if serious problems develop.  </div> <bR> <div> Marriage education classes, while they all teach similar skills, come in a wide variety of "flavors" and are readily adaptable to any population in a multitude of venues:  they can be taught to newlyweds, new parents, "empty-nesters", and stepfamilies, and can be delivered in a church basement, a community center, or a college classroom.  They have been used effectively in the military, in prisons, and in high schools.  (Some of the most well-known programs are listed below.) </div> <bR> <div> Best of all, the courses are easy to learn, and can be taught by clergy and laypeople without any specific counseling background or education.  The research shows that non-professional instructors are at least, if not more effective in obtaining the desired results.  Most programs require a three-day training for instructors, costing about $300-500 on average.  Books and materials for participants vary in cost, but are usually very reasonable.  Weekend workshops tend to be more expensive, to cover lodging and meals that may be included.  And many classes can be taught "out of the box," with minimal self-training or online training.    </div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id52_m.htm" TITLE="Clergy Professionals"><U>Back to Top</U></A> </div> <div>  <A NAME="marriage_inventories"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></div> <div> <I><B>Marriage Inventories</B></I></div> <div> One of the keys to successful premarital preparation is to get the couple to bring out and discuss any emotional or family "baggage," conflicting attitudes, unrealistic expectations or other problems that may become potential hotspots in a marriage.  An excellent way to do this is by use of a <I>marriage inventory</I> - a personal questionnaire filled out by each of the couple as a part of their premarital preparation.  On the basis of their answers to a couple of hundred questions, the instrument is scored to indicate strengths and weaknesses of the relationship, along with possible trouble areas.  These can then be discussed with the couple in premarital preparation, either by appropriate clergy or a mentor couple.</div> <bR> <div> The inventory materials and the scoring are priced reasonably.  Generally they must be administered and/or interpreted by someone who has been trained in that particular method.</div> <bR> <div> The three best-known variants are:</div> <div>        <B>FOCCUS/ReFOCCUS</B> (<A HREF="http://www.foccusinc.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.foccusinc.com"><U>www.foccusinc.com</U></A>)</div> <div> (FOCCUS for premarital, ReFOCCUS for married couples, and a new spiritually-oriented package called BRIDGES)</div> <div> <B>PREPARE/ENRICH</B> (<A HREF="http://www.lifeinnovations.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.lifeinnovations.com"><U>www.lifeinnovations.com</U></A>)</div> <div> (PREPARE is for premarital, ENRICH is for existing marriages, and there is a new version, PREPARE-CC for cohabiting couples)</div> <div> <B>RELATE </B>(<A HREF="http://www.relate-institute.org" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.relate-institute.org"><U>www.relate-institute.org</U></A>)</div> <div> (RELATE for dating, engaged or married couples, and READY for currently uncommitted individuals)</div> <bR> <div> In Central Virginia, we are blessed with several trainers for these programs.  Contact us <A HREF="id28.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact Us"><U>here </U></A>for more information.  <A HREF="id52_m.htm" TITLE="Clergy Professionals"><U>Back to Top</U></A></div> <div>  <A NAME="marriage_mentoring"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A></div> <div> <I><B>Marriage Mentoring</B></I></div> <div> One of the most common complaints of clergy is the lack of time to do adequate marital preparation with engaged couples.  A very effective antidote to this problem lies in the concept of lay mentor couples.  Any couple in a mature, stable marriage of ten years or more (recommended) is a candidate to be a mentor couple.  Ideally, they should be hospitable and friendly, passionate in their committment to marriage, and reasonably good communicators.  Beyond that, there are very few restrictions.  Successful mentors have been old or young, first marriages or subsequent marriages, with or without children.  Some of the best are couples who have been through some very trying circumstances - illness, tragedy, even infidelity - and have managed to keep their marriage strong or perhaps bring it back from the brink of divorce. These are people who can speak from experience.  </div> <bR> <div> But the purpose of the mentor couple is not to be counselors or therapists.  Their primary role is that of facilitator - to help the mentored couple communicate with each other.  Typically, a mentor couple </div> <div> -- will be identified and recruited by the pastor or spiritual leader.  (We don't recommend simply asking for volunteers.  This role is important enough to require hand-picked designees.)</div> <div> -- will be assigned a couple to mentor by the pastor or leader (again, careful selection is key). </div> <div> -- will meet with the couple after they (the "mentorees") have first had an initial meeting with the pastor/leader.  This first meeting sometimes takes place at the mentor couple's home, where the marriage inventory (see above) is administered, perhaps following a meal together.  After the inventories are completed, they will take some time to relax and get to know the couple a little. </div> <div> -- will go over the results, or scores, of the inventory on their own or with the pastor/leader.  Areas of strength as well as those of concern or special need will be noted.  If serious danger issues (domestic violence, drug abuse, etc.) become apparent now or in future sessions, the mentor couples will alert the pastor/leader and turn the couple back over to him or her.</div> <div> -- will meet with the mentorees over a period of weeks or months, usually in a home environment, to help the couple discuss areas of concern, issues from families of origin, expectations, and other topics.  The emphasis is always on the couple talking to each other, not to the mentor couple.   In the process, depending on the program used, the mentor couple may teach specific skills or techniques in listening, problem-solving, conflict resolution, and so on. </div> <div> -- may have a final debriefing/reporting session with the pastor/leader at the end of the mentoring period. </div> <div> -- may have one or more followup sessions with the couple after the wedding or at the first anniversary (if newly-married).</div> <bR> <div> There are many advantages to this approach from the pastor's perspective:</div> <div> a.)  It saves time, because a large part of the premarital preparation work can be accomplished by the mentor couple.</div> <div> b.)  It builds up and strengthens TWO marriages at once: the mentor couples typically report that their own marriage is greatly improved as a result of going through the process of mentoring others!</div> <div> c.)  The mentor couples feel empowered as a part of the congregation's ministry.  </div> <div> d.)  By word of mouth and through appropriate recognition, the mentor couple becomes a model for other married couples in the congregation to emulate.  A positive, pro-marriage culture begins to emerge. </div> <div> e.)  Most importantly, the mentored couple has a MUCH better chance of staying together and making their marriage last a lifetime.  Churches who have been using this method for several years report a steep decline in the number of couples getting divorced, if they have been through this program.  (Remember, too, that mentoring works with existing marriages as well.)</div> <bR> <div> For more information about any of these concepts or programs, contact the MACV office by clicking <A HREF="id28.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact Us"><U>here</U></A>.</div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id52_m.htm" TITLE="Clergy Professionals"><U>Back to Top</U></A></div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=35 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> Send mail to <U>marriagealliance@verizon.net</U> with questions or comments about this web site.</div> <div> Copyright © 2007 The Marriage Alliance of Central Virginia. Website hosting provided by CentralVA.net. Go to <A HREF="http://www.centralva.net" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.centralva.net"><U><U>www.centralva.net</U></U></A></div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>